next_to_normal | This is a ranty rant

(Much credit goes to

angearia, for watching this with me and sharing in my capslocky rage. She definitely called about half the stuff in this rant.)

So... remember how last week I complained about how Bones kind of sucks? Well, I posted it on my RL blog and one of my friends commented to say, "Just you wait until tonight's "Bones". This one'll throw you almost completely. I thought it was one of their best." Well, I just watched it, and all I can say is, "ORLY?"

Holy God, where to begin? First, let's just get this out of the way. Why does Booth have Don Draper hair? I realize it's a flashback episode, but it's not the 1960s, right?

So, we find out that Booth has a gambling problem. WHAT? Why has this never come up before, like, I don't know, in all the conversations he had with Jared about alcoholism and addiction?? Why have we never seen Booth seem to have an addictive personality - to gambling or anything else - during the entire course of the show? Maybe because they only made it up just now, so that Sweets could say, "You're the gambler," to get him to make a move with Brennan? *eyeroll* Have I mentioned how much I hate retcons that throw out important parts of canon solely for the sake of a joke or a clever reference?

And then we see how all the other characters met. Oh, how cleverly ironic, Hodgins and Zack hated each other before they started working together! *eyeroll* (However, I will take any excuse to have Zack back. I miss him so much!) I was also under the impression that Brennan and Angela had known each other a lot longer than just a year when the show started. But apparently they'd only met a month before this case? Because of course there has to be a "how the team got together" story that all happens during a single case.

And then there's a double error with Brennan and Cam. They quite obviously met for the first time in the first episode of season 2. I quote:

BOOTH: Don't call me Seeley. Dr. Brennan, Dr. Saroyan. You two know each other, huh?
BRENNAN: No.
CAM: No.
BOOTH: Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh" is right, buddy. Because somehow we have them meeting not once, but TWICE before that, because in this flashback, Cam says, "Didn't I meet you at some conference?"

And it doesn't end there! Caroline Julian ALSO apparently met Brennan for the first time twice. From season 1:

BOOTH: Hey, Temperance Brennan, Caroline Julian. She's your lawyer. (they shake hands) She's from the U.S. Attorney's Office. She's the best there is.
DETECTIVE HARDING: You found a prosecutor to defend her? Interesting tactic.
BRENNAN: I've told Detective Harding everything I know so far.
CAROLINE JULIAN: She's a fool. You didn't tell me she's a fool.
BOOTH: Look, she's a brilliant forensic anthropologist.

(Random sidebar of awesome: "Right now, it just looks like a sadistic children's book.")

And why doesn't Brennan know what the word "squint" means in the pilot if Booth called her that during this case? Also, in the pilot, Booth said that in their previous case, Brennan provided him with a description of the murder weapon and the murderer by just looking at autopsy x-rays. Which is... not this case. Oh, and remember how Brennan had to, like, beg Booth to let her go out in the field with him at first? And yet here he's all, "Let's go! Chop chop!"

And then the cherry on this sundae of suck: this is supposed to be a flashback to the first time Booth and Bones worked together. Except the two of them act the way they do NOW, not the way they did five years ago when the show started. It's the most bizarre mix of nostalgia and trying too hard to push the Booth/Brennan relationship. Do they not realize that all the flirting and the KISSING and the ALMOST HAVING SEX makes it absolutely absurd that the two of them have been so oblivious to their feelings this whole time? It's not like they started out as friends, and the attraction snuck up on them. Apparently it was attraction FROM THE START, which they have spent the entire time repressing. Um, no. Remember how Angela had to actually EXPLAIN to Brennan that she has feelings for Booth? Because she apparently FORGOT that she'd been attracted to him when they first met? Uh-huh. Right.

And, okay, I am so FUCKING TIRED OF THE CHARACTERS SHIPPING BOOTH/BRENNAN. I love Sweets to death, but when he goes on and on about how Booth and Brennan love each other - god, he wrote a whole fucking book about it! Apparently, the writers think we need it explained to us, because someone does it in every. Single. Episode. Like I said, they are trying WAY too hard to convince us that these two belong together. Seriously, how many times do we need to be told that Booth and Brennan love each other and are meant to be together and blah blah FUCKING BLAH. You know what? If the audience needs this much convincing, maybe YOU SHOULD LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE.

And Caroline's another culprit. First there was the bullshit thing with the kiss under the mistletoe (which apparently Sweets totally forgot about, since he seems to think that a kiss will "break the dam" of their feelings), and then here she's calling Brennan "the beautiful scientist" and telling Booth to get her drunk? Gag me with a spoon. Seriously.

For a moment there, after they kissed, I was SO SURE they were going to make it all okay. When the two of them exchange looks and Brennan's all "Should we tell him?" I was like THANK GOD. They're just fucking with Sweets. None of this is true, they just made it up, which explains why NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE. But no. They couldn't even give me that.

AND THEN Sweets is like, "If you're not in love, how come you haven't been in any serious relationships since you first met?" Um, hello? CAM? What about Sully, whom Brennan was thinking of running off to the Caribbean with? Nah, let's just blissfully ignore canon as we explain again EXACTLY WHY THEY SHOULD BE TOGETHER. Give me a fucking break.

And then, because no rant would be complete without a nod to rampant sexism, Booth's line about "When you talk to older couples who've been together for 30 or 40 or 50 years, it's always the guy who says, 'I knew.'"

What. The. Fuck? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? So only MEN can recognize love? Only MEN are in touch with their feelings? I call bullshit on that one, so hard it'll make your head spin. But of course, Booth is "that guy." HE KNOWS. YES WE ALL KNOW BECAUSE YOU TOLD US ELEVENTY TIMES. *eyeroll*

*sigh* I didn't even talk about the sloppy writing, like how a JUDGE confesses to murder. He's a JUDGE. He should know his rights. And his lawyer doesn't even bother to stop him until AFTER he's incriminated himself, and then he's all, "That's enough." Way to shut the barn door after the horse is gone, buddy. Or Angela being a stereotypical artist who wants to move to Paris. Or Brennan blaming being a scientist for why she can't be in a relationship with Booth.

I give up.