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[personal profile] next_to_normal
The last couple days I've been... well. "Better" is not really accurate. The abdominal pain has been somewhat less, but the nausea is off the charts.

I feel like I am going to throw up ALL THE TIME. But I very rarely ever actually throw up, so it's just this constant state of feeling like I could at any moment? Like, you know that feeling when you're on a roller coaster and you hit the big drop and your stomach lurches? I'm basically walking around feeling like that all day.

It varies in intensity throughout the day, from "oh dear that's unpleasant" to "holy shit get the barf bucket!" but in a way, that's actually easier to deal with than the pain, because at least it is not physically debilitating. You know, as long as I just keep reminding myself that I'm probably not going to hurl, and so no matter how much it might feel like it, I can probably just keep going about my day and be (sort of, relatively) fine.

And then I threw up this morning. So much for that theory.

Anyway, prior to this delightful change of pace, when the pain was really bad, I was having some pretty bad days, depression-wise. You know, the "I'm never going to get better, I don't know how much longer I can live like this, how do I drag myself out of bed in the morning when there's no end in sight" type thoughts. And I started wondering if maybe it was time to go to the psychiatrist and up the anti-depressants or something.

And then I was just like, fuck that. No. Because my feelings are not the problem here.

This is not a clinical "I don't know why I'm sad" depression. I've been there, I know what that feels like. But in this case, I have a pretty fucking good reason to feel sad, angry, depressed, hopeless, whatever. And sure, I could medicate myself so I can get through the day being a little more cheerful, but why should I? I think I have fucking EARNED the right to be miserable, don't you? And sometimes I think that making myself happier isn't for me at all - it's for the people who say, "Why do you sound so sad?" or "You just need to stay positive" or "Can't I get a smile?"

I don't just want to fix my ~feelings. I want to fix the fucking Crohn's. THAT'S the problem. THAT will make me feel better, and happier.

Except there's nothing I can do about that at the moment.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being stubborn. Although there are logical reasons not to mess with medication at this point - I don't particularly want to be dealing with potentially new or worse side effects from an anti-depressant on top of everything else, and technically I am still in a clinical trial, so they probably frown on introducing new variables at this stage of the process. (Not that the clinical trial appears to be WORKING in any way, but that's a complaint for another day.)

But it kinda just comes down to, you know, if sometimes I cry because it feels like I'm never going to get better, well, that feels okay. That feels like a valid, appropriate response to my situation. What's wrong with that?

Date: Jul. 14th, 2015 03:36 pm (UTC)
wendelah1: (Default)
From: [personal profile] wendelah1
Depression is a valid, appropriate response to your situation. Crohn's is a terrible disease. Whatever you decide to do, it's your choice--it's your body and you get little enough say over how it's feeling day to day as it is.

On the side of medicating for depression, there's this to consider: if your depression can be treated, wouldn't that be enough of a reason to do it--just to get some relief from something?

Date: Jul. 15th, 2015 04:58 am (UTC)
ever_neutral: (Default)
From: [personal profile] ever_neutral
That sounds like my worst nightmare. You are a stronger soul than I would be.

Is there anything the doctor can do about the nausea (without affecting the degree of abdominal pain)??

In any case, mope all you want, bro. You are suffering and deserve some moping.

In the meantime, prayer circle for some miracle cure.
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