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Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture
May. 13th, 2010 02:10 pmI just saw this really interesting column from The Guardian about Askers and Guessers. It stems from this post in response to a request for advice on unwanted house guests, which defines the terms:
I am 100% a Guesser, which presumably I got from my father, because if I had a nickel for every time my mother has said to me, "You'll never know if you don't ask," I would not need this job. (Also, I emailed the link to her, and she said, "Oh my, there is way too much here to debate in an email." I... wasn't aware it was a debate, Mother. I just thought it was interesting.) I think a lot of it is about an avoidance of conflict - I don't like to put people in an awkward or uncomfortable position, nor do I like being put in one myself, so I like to make sure we're on the same page before a request that might be an imposition is made.
I suppose it also makes me a better lobbyist, because putting out feelers rather than asking a direct question (because you never want them to have to say no), being strategic about your requests (because you only get so many asks, so you want them to be ones you're likely to get), and getting the person to offer rather than having to ask (because you want them to think it was their idea in the first place) are all part of politics.
So, are you an Asker or a Guesser?
In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.
In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.
All kinds of problems spring up around the edges. If you're a Guess Culture person... then unwelcome requests from Ask Culture people seem presumptuous and out of line, and you're likely to feel angry, uncomfortable, and manipulated.
If you're an Ask Culture person, Guess Culture behavior can seem incomprehensible, inconsistent, and rife with passive aggression.
In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.
All kinds of problems spring up around the edges. If you're a Guess Culture person... then unwelcome requests from Ask Culture people seem presumptuous and out of line, and you're likely to feel angry, uncomfortable, and manipulated.
If you're an Ask Culture person, Guess Culture behavior can seem incomprehensible, inconsistent, and rife with passive aggression.
I am 100% a Guesser, which presumably I got from my father, because if I had a nickel for every time my mother has said to me, "You'll never know if you don't ask," I would not need this job. (Also, I emailed the link to her, and she said, "Oh my, there is way too much here to debate in an email." I... wasn't aware it was a debate, Mother. I just thought it was interesting.) I think a lot of it is about an avoidance of conflict - I don't like to put people in an awkward or uncomfortable position, nor do I like being put in one myself, so I like to make sure we're on the same page before a request that might be an imposition is made.
I suppose it also makes me a better lobbyist, because putting out feelers rather than asking a direct question (because you never want them to have to say no), being strategic about your requests (because you only get so many asks, so you want them to be ones you're likely to get), and getting the person to offer rather than having to ask (because you want them to think it was their idea in the first place) are all part of politics.
So, are you an Asker or a Guesser?
