Wanted: Friends!

[next_to_normal]

I haven't done a book review in forever - not because I'm not reading, but because I used to use my journal as a place to keep track of everything I read, and now I have Goodreads for that (feel free to friend me there, btw!).

The book I'm reading now, however, sort of begs to be talked about, because it's all about making friends. MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend, by Rachel Bertsche, is a chronicle of the author's efforts to make friends after leaving her BFFs behind in New York and moving to Chicago with her husband. (There's also a website, and if nothing else, I recommend reading the initial articles that kicked off the whole project.) In order to expand her circle of friends, Rachel decides to go on one new "friend-date" a week for a year. Out of those 52 potential new friends, she's hoping to find a BFF whom she can count on to be there in a pinch (whether it's a ride to the airport or a last-minute pedicure), someone who shares her interests and calls just to say hi, and above all, someone who understands the importance of girl talk.

So let's talk.

One of the reasons the book appealed to me is because I really identified with Rachel's situation. Like her, I am 28 years old, relocated to a brand-new city about 3 years ago, and despite my efforts to reach out, I find myself with lots of casual friends, but no BFFs. My closest friends (some of whom read this blog - hi, guys!) all live about an average of 2.5 hours away, which is not exactly conducive to hanging out regularly or last-minute outings.

And it's not that I'm totally alone here or anything. Take the theater thing last Saturday - I tried calling a couple people before deciding to go by myself, but it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and one was out of town and the other had family visiting. And I thought, man, if Christi lived here, she'd drop everything to go with me, because she loves theater (and Heidi) as much as I do. Except Christi's in central Pennsylvania, and dropping everything isn't always feasible when it requires an overnight trip.

That's the kind of friend I'm missing. Someone I can call when I'm bored and say, "Wanna do something?" rather than planning two weeks in advance to schedule a friend-date. And, in particular, someone who gets excited about the same things I do. With Christi so far away, I am forever bemoaning my lack of a good theater buddy. In college, my roommates and I used to have regular TV watch parties and marathon DVD weekends, and - much as I appreciate my friends in the internet who share my love of certain TV shows, lol - I miss the social gathering aspect of it. Or even just having dinner together, so I'd have someone to try out the hundreds of recipes I've bookmarked instead of cooking just for myself. I'd love a pilates/workout buddy, or a fellow cat lover to volunteer at the shelter with me.

When I moved to the DC area, I expected to make new friends through grad school and co-workers. The latter hasn't really worked out, since I don't actually HAVE co-workers. I did make friends at GW, and we do manage to stay in touch now that we're all finished with the program. But they're more of a "hey, let's all get together and catch up every once in a while" kind of group, so I don't see them all that regularly. I suspect most of them also have their own circles of friends outside of school, so they have their BFFs who watch the same TV shows and go out for Sunday brunches and dish about the guys they're dating.

One of the issues Rachel raises in her book is how hard it is to actually make friends as an adult. From grade school all the way through college, you see the same people day in and day out, and you have tons of stuff in common, and friendships just seem to happen naturally. But as a grown-up? You're not forced into that friendship percolator, so you have to really make an effort to meet new people - and to follow up with them. According to a study mentioned in the book, in order to breach the "friend barrier" with a new acquaintance, you have to see that person twice a month for at least three months. That's a lot of work!

And how do you find people you're compatible with? I mean, it's basically like dating, only way more awkward, because at least we talk about dating. It's normal to talk about wanting a significant other, and it's normal to be actively pursuing potential candidates for a relationship. But who talks about friends that way? If you're anything like me, you probably think that approaching a BFF search like dating would make you seem creepy and weird (and, worst of all, desperate), but apparently we all want more friends, we're just afraid to go out and find them.

Of course, Rachel does have one advantage over me - she's already married, whereas I feel like I'd be doing double duty as a single girl who wants a BFF AND a boyfriend. As someone who's already a shy, homebody type, the prospect of girl-dating and boy-dating at the same time seems overwhelming. (On the other hand, more friends means widening my social circle, which means more potential boyfriends out there.)

I'm only a little over halfway through the book, so I don't exactly have a good conclusion to this post, haha. I'd like to say that I'm going to commit to doing something similar, but... eeep. Putting yourself out there is SO HARD, especially for those of us who are introverted and anti-social and would rather just stay on the couch and watch TV. But at the same time, I recognize that I'm also kind of lonely and wish I had more friends to drag me out to things (because I know I'll have fun once I get there). The question is, am I going to do anything about it?

So, what about you? Anyone else find themselves in the same boat? I think it's most common for people in their late 20s/early 30s, because that's the time when you're far enough out of college that you've maybe moved once or twice, so you can't rely on the friends you made in school being around anymore. If you've been the new kid in town at some point, how did/do you go about making friends? Were you successful?

Comments

[goldenusagi]

I basically have one friend at this point. Sometimes I feel like a horrible anti-social loser. I keep meaning to make a post about it, but it's just depressing.

[next_to_normal]

It is depressing, isn't it? :-P

You're in a similar boat with not having co-workers. Then the only way of meeting people is going out and ~joining things, which is awkward and sucks to do by yourself. It's a Catch-22 - in order to make friends, you need to go out and do things that are so much easier to do when you can do it with a friend. (When I started volunteering at the cat shelter, I took my mom along, so I wouldn't have to go by myself. It helped.)

As I've been reading through the book, there do seem to be more options for making friends than I'd have guessed. It all depends on how much you're willing to do. Personally, I draw the line at renting a friend, lol, but I could probably try to get involved in more things.

[goldenusagi]

Even when I worked at places with coworkers, I just ended up making work friends, not go out and do things friends. But I didn't make any friends in college, either. Not close friends. I just suck at it. Or I never have anything in common with people.

[next_to_normal]

Or I never have anything in common with people.

Well, we know that's not true, since you've found people with common interests here! :) So I guess it's a matter of figuring out how to meet people who like the same things?

I know what you mean about "work friends" vs. close friends, though. I was the same way in my last job - we'd go out as a big group for happy hour or something, but we weren't really friends, and I wanted to be like, "Why? Why don't you like me?" - especially when it was clear that they did have closer friendships with each other.

I'm not totally sure how it works, either, to be honest, how you take it to the next level, although I suspect it has something to do with how open I am around other people? I dunno, my mom tells me that I can come off seeming aloof when I'm actually just shy and reserved, so people think I'm not friendly. I don't know if that's helpful to you at all, but I do try to work on being more expressive with people, so they know I want to be friends. It's hard, though, because it's not instinctive at all.

Anyway, it's a really interesting read if you're wanting some ideas on how to go about making friends.

[fuelforflight]

Friending you!

And on that note....friends are difficult. I was just thinking about this the other day. See, I have about a gazillion cousins, and I'm friends with most of them, but I keep wondering whether they actually COUNT. I mean, they're sort of like BUILT-IN friends? There just wasn't all that much effort involved in cultivating those friendships. There was never any weirdness, any digging for conversation topics... It just happened.

Friends with whom I don't share blood are few and far between. If you were to ask me who my best friend is, I would immediately say S----but to be completely honest, we are nowhere near as close as we were even a couple of years ago. This past year we lived in the same city for the first time since high school, and I feel as though we were closer when we were apart. It's *weird.

My other non-related friends (I think I might have...three, four?) I rarely see or even speak to. When we do see each other, it’s fun and casual and natural, as though we just saw each other the week before. But it occurs so very rarely, never more than a couple of times a year, if that. I do feel the absence.

And I’m terrible at *meeting people. Or not meeting, but making *connections with the people I do meet. I mean, how do you ask a casual acquaintance out to dinner or drinks without it feeling weird? I feel as though you need some common ground to begin with, or at least some work or school related excuse to hang out at first, and maybe then... I dunno. People on TV always seem to get roommates, and whammo, instant friends. I wish it was that easy.

Basically, I feel your pain, bro.

[next_to_normal]

Hahaha, that totally counts if you do friend-like things with them! I mean, for me, I only see my cousins at family things (weddings, holidays, family dinners, etc.), so I wouldn't really consider them my friends?

I mean, how do you ask a casual acquaintance out to dinner or drinks without it feeling weird?

I don't know! That's the thing I'm trying to convince myself with this book - that it's really not that weird? We always think we're going to seem like a weirdo for asking, but if someone asked me to get drinks or something, I'd probably be flattered, so... why wouldn't they be flattered when I ask? You'll probably end up with a few awkward friend-dates where it turns out you have nothing to talk about, but that's the way it goes sometimes (just like regular dating).

[chaila]

Just moved to a new city for year, and bookmarking this for further thinking/exploration, etc.! Though for me, sometimes there's this aspect of...I'm okay with the situation, and I just feel like I *ought* to be more worried about not having more close friends in my city? So it's this weird thing where I'm worried that I'm not more worried, ha.

[slaymesoftly]

Feel free to feed me anytime. Oh wait, that's probably not what you meant, is it? lol

I suspect it's hard because you don't work in a larger organization. My recollection (through the years) is that most of my friends, close or otherwise, came through work. When you don't have that "I see you every day and we laugh at/bitch about the same things" kind of thing going for you, it's got to be harder just to meet people and spend enough time around them to find out what you might have in common.

On the other hand, with a very few exceptions, I've found that my circle of friends drifted apart when we all went our separate ways. Not immediately, but over time and distance. Which was okay, because the next job/stage of life/whatever meant meeting and getting to know a whole other group of people, some of whom would become new friends. I don't think very many of us have close friends who have remained in our lives to the same extent forever. Perhaps one or two.

One of the things I like about Facebook is that it provides a way to keep in touch with those who I may no longer see on a regular basis. When you know what's going on in someone's life, it's easier to remain part of that life and to pick up where you left off when you do get together in person.

None of which was helpful, I suppose. :)

[mcmegan]

Story of my life! I lived in Salisbury for like, 7 years, and had a few friends- pretty much all of which came from work.

Then I moved here, my only friends are from work, because how else do you meet people? I go to the gym occasionally, but it's not like people talk to each other, and there are a lot of old creepers. Seamus has hockey friends, but I don't really play sports. And what sucks is that my friends live at least 30 minutes away, since they're closer to work than I am.

When I went back to school, I made some friends there, but again, they all lived at least 45 minutes away.

I volunteer here, at the wildlife center, but pretty much the people I work with are always rotating- they're intern/externing for sometimes as short as 4 weeks.

I'm thinking of trying some classes at the gym- like zumba. Maybe I can find some normal people there? And it's not like I can find friends in my neighbors- most people who live here are older, or have kids, or are creepy rednecks.

So I don't offer much help. Just sympathy. You should move closer to me! Or if I ever get a job in a decent city, maybe I'll be closer to you.

[goldenusagi]

So I guess it's a matter of figuring out how to meet people who like the same things?

I guess. Though that's sort of not gone well. It's not even a matter of, say, liking the same sort of things like TV shows, but a matter of liking to do the same sorts of things. And honestly, I need some friends without kids, someone who's actually free most of the time without having to free themselves up. I mean, everyone has obligations, but kids is a whole other level. And my life is never going to be centered on a family; it would be nice to have a friend who is similarly inclined.

especially when it was clear that they did have closer friendships with each other.

See, there's this, too. It's like, everyone already has friends, why do they need me?

[per_aspera_ad_astra]

YES! To all the above. Everything. I thought I was crazy for not being able to make new friends, that it getting harder to make friends was kinda just me and in my head, but the circumstances as you get older make a lot of sense. I too basically work alone in my office, and even teaching I'm still pretty isolated. I'm super close with my siblings, but it's still different. For one thing, half can't drive so I have to chauffer everywhere, haha. And like you, I'm terrible at striking out on my own. It's scary! But you've been taking some bold steps forward with the theater and volunteering, so WELL DONE. I shall try harder.

[next_to_normal]

I'm okay with the situation, and I just feel like I *ought* to be more worried about not having more close friends in my city? So it's this weird thing where I'm worried that I'm not more worried, ha.

Heh, yeah, I get that. Most of the time, I don't care that I'm not going out with friends a lot because I'm not that kind of person. But then there are occasional times where I need a buddy to do something, and then I get all "woe is me, I have no friends."

[next_to_normal]

I don't think very many of us have close friends who have remained in our lives to the same extent forever. Perhaps one or two.

No, but when friends drift away, you make new ones to replace them. My problem is that I haven't really made new friends since college. At least, not friendship of any real depth.

The purpose of the author's search was exactly that - she knew she could never duplicate the lifelong friendships she had with her two (long-distance) BFFs. But she wanted a circle of local friends where the relationships were more than superficial.

The work thing is definitely a challenge, but it's just one of the many reasons I've been job-hunting. :-P

[next_to_normal]

You should move closer to me! DC is definitely more fun than Middle of Nowhere, VA. :-P

[next_to_normal]

Haha, I try. But siblings can be useful, too... their friends become your friends, etc.

[slaymesoftly]

It's also a lot harder when you're not in school anymore. There's just more going on and fewer opportunities to be around people on a daily basis and just talk the way you do when you're in school and all more or less living together. Now, when work is over, people go home - which isn't going to be the same home you're going to.
It takes time to develop a circle of friends. I'm still working on it. :)