My bathroom rant, saved for posterity

Rather than do another whole "yes I'm still basically dying" update, I will just let you assume that everything is still terrible (it is) and instead copy and paste the following g-chat exchange between myself and per_aspera_ad_astra :

Kelly: here, watch whine about it

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/types-of-co-workers-that-are-the-absolute-worst#.gf0gBpYd0

i'm sure you have a co-worker or two like this

Me: god the bathroom thing

which is exponentially worse in my condition

Kelly: i can't even imagine

his rant about reply all was pretty emotional, haha

Me: the worst is when you run into them right outside the door

and you can't like, suddenly change direction like you were going to go somewhere else

so you HAVE to go in with them

and then they start talking to you

and keep talking when you go in the stall

and it's already going to be blatantly obvious that you're taking a lot longer than them because you are clearly sitting there waiting for them to leave so that you can poop

but then it's like, they don't want to leave without you b/c you're ~having a conversation

and it's like JUST GTFO

I AM GOING TO BE AWHILE

YOU DON'T WANT TO LISTEN

meanwhile my ass is turning purple from the strain of ~holding it in

Kelly: you have really stupid co-workers

Me: yeah

I mean, I don't mind exchanging a "hey how are you" if you're just there to pee and you run into each other at the sink

but for god's sake, you know I have a digestive condition, go away so I can poop

maybe people don't realize that I am ALWAYS there to poop?

I am never not pooping

actually, i take that back

sometimes I'm there to vomit

in which case, I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT TO CHAT

once, a coworker stopped me on the way into the bathroom to chat and in the middle of the conversation I literally gagged and clapped my hand over my mouth and ran inside

Kelly: omg

yes, your coworkers have got to learn better bathroom etiquette

Me: to be fair, the same coworker was nice enough to offer to drive me home afterward so I didn't puke on the metro

still

don't be stopping a girl on her way to puke or you might get puked ON