I give up

I have hated my computer pretty much since I got it, but I refused to get a new one because I was determined to get my money's worth. Well, it's been two and a half years, and I frickin' give up. The battery's just died, so I'd have to replace that anyway, it's unbearably slow, it crashes three times a day, and now IT WON'T STOP BEEPING AT ME.

Oh well. It's only money, right? :\

So, oh wise flist, what computer should I buy, and why?

(And if anyone says Dell, I will personally skewer you with a pencil.)