Reflections on my parents
Mar. 14th, 2008 11:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
next_to_normalYesterday, I posted an "ask me questions" type meme and promised to make posts on the suggested topics. clawofcat asked me, "If you could change any given thing about each of your parents, what would it be?"
This ended up being super-long, so I put it behind a cut.
So... this sounds more like a therapy session than a journal entry, but it's something different to talk about. Thanks toclawofcat for the question, and if you want to suggest a topic for me to talk about, the post is here.
clawofcat asked me, "If you could change any given thing about each of your parents, what would it be?"This ended up being super-long, so I put it behind a cut.
That's a very thought-provoking question. I found my dad a lot easier than my mom. Immediately, I thought of two things - if I were being selfless, I'd change his career. I know that he hates his job, but he's at the point now where he's too old for a career change, so he's just sucking it up and pushing towards retirement. He works incredibly long hours, for which they don't pay him enough, and since the company he works for is struggling, we've slowly seen the benefits trickling away as they try to cut back on costs.
If I were being selfish, though, I think I'd change his disappointment in me. For those who don't know my history, I started college as a chemistry major. I was one of the top students in my major, and had this grand future ahead of me, in high demand as a woman in a science field, plenty of options for high-paying research jobs with respected corporations like Dow or Dupont. And my dad was so proud, because I was super smart, and I'd be successful and make a lot of money. And then, sophomore year, I decided to change my major. I'd been doing lab research for a year and a half, including two summers, and I was completely burned out. I didn't want to work in a lab the rest of my life, and I didn't want to devote another minute to chemistry. My passion was politics, and even though I knew I'd never make a lot of money, it was what I really wanted to learn about, and what I could imagine myself doing - and enjoying - in the future.
I still remember the day my parents came up to discuss things - they took me to a restaurant for lunch, and my dad made me cry. It's the only time I've ever cried in public as an adult. He told me I was throwing away my talent and my chances for a successful future on a whim, that I'd never get a decent job with a political science degree. He also told me that my college education was a waste - why was he paying for an expensive school when I could be a political science major anywhere? Chemistry was worth the expense of a better education, but political science was only worth a free education at a state school. He threatened to make me transfer to a state school in New Jersey, even though by this point I was a sophomore and had made friends and absolutely loved my school, and it broke my heart to think of leaving.
Eventually, my mom brought him around, and I got to stay at my school and major in whatever I wanted, but I'll be honest - I don't think he really believed I hadn't thrown my life away until the day I introduced him to the Governor. He still makes comments like, "Well, you'd be making a lot more money if you'd stuck with chemistry," or "If you were working for a chemical company, they'd probably pay for your graduate school." I always thought it was a bit hypocritical - given how much he hates his own job, I couldn't imagine why he wanted to force me into a job that I didn't like, simply because I'd make a lot of money. Shouldn't he be encouraging me to pursue something I loved, so that I wouldn't end up like him and his career?
Wow, that was more long-winded than I thought it'd be. Anyway, my mom. It took me a while to come up with something for my mom. I'm sure I could've come up with a whole list of things back when I was younger and everything my parents did was wrong, embarrassing, or stupid. :) But now that I'm older, I really like my mom - it's not just that I love her because I have to, but I really enjoy spending time with her, we have a lot of the same interests, and she's a great person to talk to. She really is one of my best friends. (aww) So I had to think hard to come up with something I'd change, because we have a pretty great relationship. And what I came up with isn't even something I'd change now, but something I'd change about the past.
I wish my mom hadn't been so hard on me about my weight when I was a teenager. I definitely have self-esteem issues, and while I'm sure some of that would still exist, I think it would've been easier if I hadn't had my mother making me feel bad about myself. She would always give me disapproving looks if I ate too much or ate junk food or sweets, and would tell me I was not allowed to eat certain things well past the age when I should have been able to make those decisions for myself. She criticized how much I weighed, and every time we went shopping, it was almost guaranteed that I'd get at least one comment like, "You know, that would look so much better on you if you lost 10 pounds." She hounded me about how much I exercised (even though I played two sports in high school), and was always trying to get me to go on a diet.
I realize now - and maybe I knew it then, too - that she was motivated entirely by her own lack of self-esteem. My mom goes through phases of weight loss and gain, fluctuating by as much as 50 pounds every 5-10 years. She hates that she has to work so hard to lose weight, and as soon as she stops going to the gym, back it all comes. She always has to watch what she eats, and she knows that I'm a lot like her, so she spent years bugging me to do all the things she knew she ought to be doing. When she was in a thin phase, she made me feel guilty with, "Look, if I can do it, why can't you?" and when she was in a fat phase, it was, "You ought to be exercising and dieting - we both should." But it was always about her not liking the way she looked, and not wanting me to feel the same way about myself.
Some time during college, either she decided she didn't need to project her weight issues onto me, or she realized that I'm old enough to make those decisions on my own, and if I want to lose weight, I'll do it without nagging from her. Either way, she's been nothing but supportive for the last few years, encouraging me when I took up running and teaching me how to cook healthy food so I don't eat frozen pizza all the time now that I live on my own.
If I were being selfish, though, I think I'd change his disappointment in me. For those who don't know my history, I started college as a chemistry major. I was one of the top students in my major, and had this grand future ahead of me, in high demand as a woman in a science field, plenty of options for high-paying research jobs with respected corporations like Dow or Dupont. And my dad was so proud, because I was super smart, and I'd be successful and make a lot of money. And then, sophomore year, I decided to change my major. I'd been doing lab research for a year and a half, including two summers, and I was completely burned out. I didn't want to work in a lab the rest of my life, and I didn't want to devote another minute to chemistry. My passion was politics, and even though I knew I'd never make a lot of money, it was what I really wanted to learn about, and what I could imagine myself doing - and enjoying - in the future.
I still remember the day my parents came up to discuss things - they took me to a restaurant for lunch, and my dad made me cry. It's the only time I've ever cried in public as an adult. He told me I was throwing away my talent and my chances for a successful future on a whim, that I'd never get a decent job with a political science degree. He also told me that my college education was a waste - why was he paying for an expensive school when I could be a political science major anywhere? Chemistry was worth the expense of a better education, but political science was only worth a free education at a state school. He threatened to make me transfer to a state school in New Jersey, even though by this point I was a sophomore and had made friends and absolutely loved my school, and it broke my heart to think of leaving.
Eventually, my mom brought him around, and I got to stay at my school and major in whatever I wanted, but I'll be honest - I don't think he really believed I hadn't thrown my life away until the day I introduced him to the Governor. He still makes comments like, "Well, you'd be making a lot more money if you'd stuck with chemistry," or "If you were working for a chemical company, they'd probably pay for your graduate school." I always thought it was a bit hypocritical - given how much he hates his own job, I couldn't imagine why he wanted to force me into a job that I didn't like, simply because I'd make a lot of money. Shouldn't he be encouraging me to pursue something I loved, so that I wouldn't end up like him and his career?
Wow, that was more long-winded than I thought it'd be. Anyway, my mom. It took me a while to come up with something for my mom. I'm sure I could've come up with a whole list of things back when I was younger and everything my parents did was wrong, embarrassing, or stupid. :) But now that I'm older, I really like my mom - it's not just that I love her because I have to, but I really enjoy spending time with her, we have a lot of the same interests, and she's a great person to talk to. She really is one of my best friends. (aww) So I had to think hard to come up with something I'd change, because we have a pretty great relationship. And what I came up with isn't even something I'd change now, but something I'd change about the past.
I wish my mom hadn't been so hard on me about my weight when I was a teenager. I definitely have self-esteem issues, and while I'm sure some of that would still exist, I think it would've been easier if I hadn't had my mother making me feel bad about myself. She would always give me disapproving looks if I ate too much or ate junk food or sweets, and would tell me I was not allowed to eat certain things well past the age when I should have been able to make those decisions for myself. She criticized how much I weighed, and every time we went shopping, it was almost guaranteed that I'd get at least one comment like, "You know, that would look so much better on you if you lost 10 pounds." She hounded me about how much I exercised (even though I played two sports in high school), and was always trying to get me to go on a diet.
I realize now - and maybe I knew it then, too - that she was motivated entirely by her own lack of self-esteem. My mom goes through phases of weight loss and gain, fluctuating by as much as 50 pounds every 5-10 years. She hates that she has to work so hard to lose weight, and as soon as she stops going to the gym, back it all comes. She always has to watch what she eats, and she knows that I'm a lot like her, so she spent years bugging me to do all the things she knew she ought to be doing. When she was in a thin phase, she made me feel guilty with, "Look, if I can do it, why can't you?" and when she was in a fat phase, it was, "You ought to be exercising and dieting - we both should." But it was always about her not liking the way she looked, and not wanting me to feel the same way about myself.
Some time during college, either she decided she didn't need to project her weight issues onto me, or she realized that I'm old enough to make those decisions on my own, and if I want to lose weight, I'll do it without nagging from her. Either way, she's been nothing but supportive for the last few years, encouraging me when I took up running and teaching me how to cook healthy food so I don't eat frozen pizza all the time now that I live on my own.
So... this sounds more like a therapy session than a journal entry, but it's something different to talk about. Thanks to
clawofcat for the question, and if you want to suggest a topic for me to talk about, the post is here.
