next_to_normal | Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture

I just saw this really interesting column from The Guardian about Askers and Guessers. It stems from this post in response to a request for advice on unwanted house guests, which defines the terms:

In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.

All kinds of problems spring up around the edges. If you're a Guess Culture person... then unwelcome requests from Ask Culture people seem presumptuous and out of line, and you're likely to feel angry, uncomfortable, and manipulated.

If you're an Ask Culture person, Guess Culture behavior can seem incomprehensible, inconsistent, and rife with passive aggression.

I am 100% a Guesser, which presumably I got from my father, because if I had a nickel for every time my mother has said to me, "You'll never know if you don't ask," I would not need this job. (Also, I emailed the link to her, and she said, "Oh my, there is way too much here to debate in an email." I... wasn't aware it was a debate, Mother. I just thought it was interesting.) I think a lot of it is about an avoidance of conflict - I don't like to put people in an awkward or uncomfortable position, nor do I like being put in one myself, so I like to make sure we're on the same page before a request that might be an imposition is made.

I suppose it also makes me a better lobbyist, because putting out feelers rather than asking a direct question (because you never want them to have to say no), being strategic about your requests (because you only get so many asks, so you want them to be ones you're likely to get), and getting the person to offer rather than having to ask (because you want them to think it was their idea in the first place) are all part of politics.

So, are you an Asker or a Guesser?

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Definite Guesser. I hate asking a question unless I'm pretty confident I already know what the answer will be.

I'd much prefer to be an Asker. It seems simpler and much more effective. But I wonder what Askers think of their counterparts?

I'd much prefer to be an Asker. It seems simpler and much more effective.

Heh, until you come across a Guesser who thinks you're totally appalling and presumptuous, lol. Especially since you're British, and you're all very reserved and polite over there. :)

Of course, knowing how I react to things, I also find myself catering to people as though they're a Guesser, even if they're not. Like, if I'm talking to a friend about a visit, I will say upfront, "You're welcome to stay with me," so that they don't have to feel awkward about asking. (Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work the other way - I have had an Asker friend invite herself over despite my cue, "I haven't been feeling well lately.")

I'm absolutely a Guesser. One of the implications of this that your quote doesn't mention is that I assume if someone asks something, either they're pretty sure I'll say yes or they really, really need. So I'm automatically inclined to say yes even if it's something I'd rather not do, because I figure it must be important or they wouldn't have asked in the first place.

However, teaching 6th grade has given me lots of practice with dealing with Askers. At this point I have no trouble saying flat "No" to any number of reasonable or unreasonable requests. I have no idea whether this'll carry over into the rest of my life, though.

One of the implications of this that your quote doesn't mention is that I assume if someone asks something, either they're pretty sure I'll say yes or they really, really need. So I'm automatically inclined to say yes even if it's something I'd rather not do, because I figure it must be important or they wouldn't have asked in the first place.

YES. Same here. And I have, on occasion, had the person say to me afterward, "Oh, you should've said something if it was too much trouble!" and I usually think, "I didn't realize that was an option." Especially when it's a boss, because it's their job to tell you what to do, you know?

Hahaha, but I can definitely see how kids would be a great way to break that habit.

I have a 6yo who asks a LOT of questions and I have noticed that I tend to say NO to her a lot.

*ponders*

A little of both, I think. I like to be asked, but I'm ok with doing some guessing with other people. I'm way more likely to guess with people whom I think are touchy and or unreasonable in some way.

Agree. I tend to do both based on who I'm dealing with.

Huh. I think...I don't know. I think I've made a conscious decision to be an Asker because the Guesser mode wasn't working out for me. Huge amounts of soap opera-esque social drama as a Guesser (and running on the assumption that everyone else is a Guesser) left me more apt to 'just ask' upfront.

Heh, I was actually thinking of you, and had concluded you were an Asker based on our conversations about asking guys out. You'll go right up and ask, because the worst that can happen is he'll say no. Whereas I will avoid making a move until I'm fairly confident that the answer will be yes, because I really, really don't want to hear "no."

lol! That's true. Well, I used to be a Guesser. Becoming an Asker has made the whole thing a lot less stressful, personally.

Perhaps, although I find being an Asker to be a lot more embarrassing. Which again, goes back to the Guesser mentality - even if the other person doesn't care and forgets 10 minutes later, I still feel stupid because my asking implies that I thought they might say yes, when clearly they weren't going to, and how dumb was I not to see that?

Asker. My mom's a Guesser, and would feel upset & vindicated in being upset when we wouldn't do things because we failed to guess what she was hinting at, with what we couldn't even recognize AS hints . . .

One thing I have noticed about myself, which I think goes to this as well, is that I HATE having to tell people when I'm upset about something. It's partly a burden thing - I don't want to bother people by asking for comfort or support or whatever I need - but it's also that I expect people who know me to be able to guess. I feel like they should be able to figure it out based on my behavior, without my having to say it.

"Earshot" in Buffy S3 addresses this so well -- how little we do live outside our heads or notice people's behavior, even when we know them well, even when we have the reputation of being sensitive, unless they're acting in exaggeratedly different ways from what seems to be the norm for them.

My mother was an asker. No subject was taboo at our table.
My father, who rarely sat table with us, was a guesser.

I generally read this tendency from a young age as a lack of interest in my intellectual capabilities.
Thus was born the person who always asks,....but feels like an utter tool for doing so.
LOL

Huh, interesting, lol. I feel like there's some psychoanalysis to be done here...

LOL Wouldnt be the 1st time, to be sure!

;)

I should also add, my mother was from Boston banker stock (debutante), my dad was MS plantation worker stock, AND she was disowned for marrying him in the 1st place.
LOL

*singing* And I say to myself....what a wonderful wooorld...

Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture

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