next_to_normal (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
next_to_normal) wrote2012-08-14 03:20 pm
next_to_normal) wrote2012-08-14 03:20 pm
Entry tags:
Wanted: Friends!
I haven't done a book review in forever - not because I'm not reading, but because I used to use my journal as a place to keep track of everything I read, and now I have Goodreads for that (feel free to friend me there, btw!).
The book I'm reading now, however, sort of begs to be talked about, because it's all about making friends. MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend, by Rachel Bertsche, is a chronicle of the author's efforts to make friends after leaving her BFFs behind in New York and moving to Chicago with her husband. (There's also a website, and if nothing else, I recommend reading the initial articles that kicked off the whole project.) In order to expand her circle of friends, Rachel decides to go on one new "friend-date" a week for a year. Out of those 52 potential new friends, she's hoping to find a BFF whom she can count on to be there in a pinch (whether it's a ride to the airport or a last-minute pedicure), someone who shares her interests and calls just to say hi, and above all, someone who understands the importance of girl talk.
So let's talk.
One of the reasons the book appealed to me is because I really identified with Rachel's situation. Like her, I am 28 years old, relocated to a brand-new city about 3 years ago, and despite my efforts to reach out, I find myself with lots of casual friends, but no BFFs. My closest friends (some of whom read this blog - hi, guys!) all live about an average of 2.5 hours away, which is not exactly conducive to hanging out regularly or last-minute outings.
And it's not that I'm totally alone here or anything. Take the theater thing last Saturday - I tried calling a couple people before deciding to go by myself, but it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and one was out of town and the other had family visiting. And I thought, man, if Christi lived here, she'd drop everything to go with me, because she loves theater (and Heidi) as much as I do. Except Christi's in central Pennsylvania, and dropping everything isn't always feasible when it requires an overnight trip.
That's the kind of friend I'm missing. Someone I can call when I'm bored and say, "Wanna do something?" rather than planning two weeks in advance to schedule a friend-date. And, in particular, someone who gets excited about the same things I do. With Christi so far away, I am forever bemoaning my lack of a good theater buddy. In college, my roommates and I used to have regular TV watch parties and marathon DVD weekends, and - much as I appreciate my friends in the internet who share my love of certain TV shows, lol - I miss the social gathering aspect of it. Or even just having dinner together, so I'd have someone to try out the hundreds of recipes I've bookmarked instead of cooking just for myself. I'd love a pilates/workout buddy, or a fellow cat lover to volunteer at the shelter with me.
When I moved to the DC area, I expected to make new friends through grad school and co-workers. The latter hasn't really worked out, since I don't actually HAVE co-workers. I did make friends at GW, and we do manage to stay in touch now that we're all finished with the program. But they're more of a "hey, let's all get together and catch up every once in a while" kind of group, so I don't see them all that regularly. I suspect most of them also have their own circles of friends outside of school, so they have their BFFs who watch the same TV shows and go out for Sunday brunches and dish about the guys they're dating.
One of the issues Rachel raises in her book is how hard it is to actually make friends as an adult. From grade school all the way through college, you see the same people day in and day out, and you have tons of stuff in common, and friendships just seem to happen naturally. But as a grown-up? You're not forced into that friendship percolator, so you have to really make an effort to meet new people - and to follow up with them. According to a study mentioned in the book, in order to breach the "friend barrier" with a new acquaintance, you have to see that person twice a month for at least three months. That's a lot of work!
And how do you find people you're compatible with? I mean, it's basically like dating, only way more awkward, because at least we talk about dating. It's normal to talk about wanting a significant other, and it's normal to be actively pursuing potential candidates for a relationship. But who talks about friends that way? If you're anything like me, you probably think that approaching a BFF search like dating would make you seem creepy and weird (and, worst of all, desperate), but apparently we all want more friends, we're just afraid to go out and find them.
Of course, Rachel does have one advantage over me - she's already married, whereas I feel like I'd be doing double duty as a single girl who wants a BFF AND a boyfriend. As someone who's already a shy, homebody type, the prospect of girl-dating and boy-dating at the same time seems overwhelming. (On the other hand, more friends means widening my social circle, which means more potential boyfriends out there.)
I'm only a little over halfway through the book, so I don't exactly have a good conclusion to this post, haha. I'd like to say that I'm going to commit to doing something similar, but... eeep. Putting yourself out there is SO HARD, especially for those of us who are introverted and anti-social and would rather just stay on the couch and watch TV. But at the same time, I recognize that I'm also kind of lonely and wish I had more friends to drag me out to things (because I know I'll have fun once I get there). The question is, am I going to do anything about it?
So, what about you? Anyone else find themselves in the same boat? I think it's most common for people in their late 20s/early 30s, because that's the time when you're far enough out of college that you've maybe moved once or twice, so you can't rely on the friends you made in school being around anymore. If you've been the new kid in town at some point, how did/do you go about making friends? Were you successful?
The book I'm reading now, however, sort of begs to be talked about, because it's all about making friends. MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend, by Rachel Bertsche, is a chronicle of the author's efforts to make friends after leaving her BFFs behind in New York and moving to Chicago with her husband. (There's also a website, and if nothing else, I recommend reading the initial articles that kicked off the whole project.) In order to expand her circle of friends, Rachel decides to go on one new "friend-date" a week for a year. Out of those 52 potential new friends, she's hoping to find a BFF whom she can count on to be there in a pinch (whether it's a ride to the airport or a last-minute pedicure), someone who shares her interests and calls just to say hi, and above all, someone who understands the importance of girl talk.
So let's talk.
One of the reasons the book appealed to me is because I really identified with Rachel's situation. Like her, I am 28 years old, relocated to a brand-new city about 3 years ago, and despite my efforts to reach out, I find myself with lots of casual friends, but no BFFs. My closest friends (some of whom read this blog - hi, guys!) all live about an average of 2.5 hours away, which is not exactly conducive to hanging out regularly or last-minute outings.
And it's not that I'm totally alone here or anything. Take the theater thing last Saturday - I tried calling a couple people before deciding to go by myself, but it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and one was out of town and the other had family visiting. And I thought, man, if Christi lived here, she'd drop everything to go with me, because she loves theater (and Heidi) as much as I do. Except Christi's in central Pennsylvania, and dropping everything isn't always feasible when it requires an overnight trip.
That's the kind of friend I'm missing. Someone I can call when I'm bored and say, "Wanna do something?" rather than planning two weeks in advance to schedule a friend-date. And, in particular, someone who gets excited about the same things I do. With Christi so far away, I am forever bemoaning my lack of a good theater buddy. In college, my roommates and I used to have regular TV watch parties and marathon DVD weekends, and - much as I appreciate my friends in the internet who share my love of certain TV shows, lol - I miss the social gathering aspect of it. Or even just having dinner together, so I'd have someone to try out the hundreds of recipes I've bookmarked instead of cooking just for myself. I'd love a pilates/workout buddy, or a fellow cat lover to volunteer at the shelter with me.
When I moved to the DC area, I expected to make new friends through grad school and co-workers. The latter hasn't really worked out, since I don't actually HAVE co-workers. I did make friends at GW, and we do manage to stay in touch now that we're all finished with the program. But they're more of a "hey, let's all get together and catch up every once in a while" kind of group, so I don't see them all that regularly. I suspect most of them also have their own circles of friends outside of school, so they have their BFFs who watch the same TV shows and go out for Sunday brunches and dish about the guys they're dating.
One of the issues Rachel raises in her book is how hard it is to actually make friends as an adult. From grade school all the way through college, you see the same people day in and day out, and you have tons of stuff in common, and friendships just seem to happen naturally. But as a grown-up? You're not forced into that friendship percolator, so you have to really make an effort to meet new people - and to follow up with them. According to a study mentioned in the book, in order to breach the "friend barrier" with a new acquaintance, you have to see that person twice a month for at least three months. That's a lot of work!
And how do you find people you're compatible with? I mean, it's basically like dating, only way more awkward, because at least we talk about dating. It's normal to talk about wanting a significant other, and it's normal to be actively pursuing potential candidates for a relationship. But who talks about friends that way? If you're anything like me, you probably think that approaching a BFF search like dating would make you seem creepy and weird (and, worst of all, desperate), but apparently we all want more friends, we're just afraid to go out and find them.
Of course, Rachel does have one advantage over me - she's already married, whereas I feel like I'd be doing double duty as a single girl who wants a BFF AND a boyfriend. As someone who's already a shy, homebody type, the prospect of girl-dating and boy-dating at the same time seems overwhelming. (On the other hand, more friends means widening my social circle, which means more potential boyfriends out there.)
I'm only a little over halfway through the book, so I don't exactly have a good conclusion to this post, haha. I'd like to say that I'm going to commit to doing something similar, but... eeep. Putting yourself out there is SO HARD, especially for those of us who are introverted and anti-social and would rather just stay on the couch and watch TV. But at the same time, I recognize that I'm also kind of lonely and wish I had more friends to drag me out to things (because I know I'll have fun once I get there). The question is, am I going to do anything about it?
So, what about you? Anyone else find themselves in the same boat? I think it's most common for people in their late 20s/early 30s, because that's the time when you're far enough out of college that you've maybe moved once or twice, so you can't rely on the friends you made in school being around anymore. If you've been the new kid in town at some point, how did/do you go about making friends? Were you successful?